My Blog

Footprints in my pool

Mon, 14 May 2012 12:57:41 -0500

I’m big on family traditions. Many are warm and fuzzy. Others not so much.
One of those traditions manifests itself each Spring when we open the pool. Especially if more than two of my kids are around.
Well, it so happens that yesterday we celebrated Mother’s Days with some all-family yard work which included taking the cover off the pool. The tradition is that when the pool cover comes off someone gets thrown in to the gooey green mess. Sometimes me. Usually someone else. No one has gotten hepatitis yet. We worry just enough about wallets and cell phones in pockets. And we insist that the dunkee takes an algae-killing shower afterword.
Still, we Payleitners must be pretty stupid because someone falls for it every time.
In this case, one brother asked to try on the targeted victim’s new cowboy boots. Rita -- his mom! -- borrowed his iPhone to look at a photo. Another brother made sure his wallet was not in his pants. And, before you know it the beloved victim is yelping, then underwater, then sputtering, then laughing and finally walking to the pool steps. This morning when I walked out in my backyard, the cloudy water had clarified just enough to reveal his size 11 footprints.
Isaac, I guess it was just your turn.

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Notice: Each devotional in this book may take some dads longer than a minute.

Tue, 1 May 2012 22:09:29 -0500

My publisher sent me a single advance copy of my new release. If you would like to read it, feel free to stop by. But don’t blame me if you get attacked by a raging sock monkey.
To be safe you may want to order your copy from Barnes & Noble. They will have them in their warehouse in a week or so. In plenty of time for Father’s Day.
xxxo
/jay

A little at a time

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 11:48:02 -0500

“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
-- Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Over the years you have picked up a handful of truths, some core values and a few strategies for surviving this world and thriving in the next. Some you were taught. Most you learned the hard way. All of which you want to pass on to your children.
How does a dad convey these lessons without lecturing or facing a barrage of blank stares or eye rolls? The secret is to deliver those truths a little at a time as life unfolds. Don’t wait for just the right moment or the perfectly planned weekend to transfer all your bits of collected knowledge in a single grandiose and laborious speech. Instead, gently and consistently “impress them on your children.” Notice that the command isn’t to bash over the head or screech into their skulls. It doesn’t say nag, cajole or fume. The word “impress” suggests images of lovingly leaving a permanent, noteworthy imprint or trace. Having made your mark in their life. Almost like an artist signing a fine oil painting.
How? It’s spelled out nicely in the above verse from Deuteronomy. Talk to them during the regular course of life. At the kitchen table. During commercial breaks. Strolling down a dirt road. Tucking them in at night. Chatting over waffles.
Make it an ongoing conversation. Leave ‘em wanting more. If a question comes up you can’t answer, that’s okay. They know you’ll weave in and out of their day with fresh insight, thought-provoking follow up and a listening ear.

What about you?
God wants to talk to you the same way, Dad. Sitting at home. Walking along the road. When you lie down. When you get up. Are you listening?

Not your typical blog about setting goals

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 10:40:26 -0500

What jazzes you? What floats your boat? Is there something in your life that gets you out of bed every morning with purpose and determination? Do you have a personal mission statement that gives you a daily green light reminding you to go after it?
Or how about this . . .
More important than the green light, does that mission statement have a red light clause? In other words, do you know when enough is enough? If you don’t when you’ve reached your goal, when do you stop running? When is enough, enough?
The idea of goal setting is especially important for dads. But be careful. Don’t set your goals using a floating scale. Too many men spend their lives trying to keep up with their neighbors. But just as soon as they catch up, they change neighborhoods. They move to a bigger house surrounded by even bigger houses and greener lawns. Consider this passage from Philippians.
“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:11-12 NIV)
Learning contentment is actually a wise survival skill for today’s competitive world. Some other guy will always have a bigger house, higher-achieving kids, or a better-looking wife.
Perhaps the ultimate goal is to be able to walk in your door at the end of the day and be able to say, “It’s good to be home. This home. With this family.”

What about you?
Making a list of goals is a good thing. Even aggressive goals that require hard work and superior intelligence. But on your list of goals make sure to include things like “happy wife,” “happy kids,” “humility,” and “gratitude.”

What are you worth?

Fri, 6 Apr 2012 11:51:24 -0500

Let’s see now. That guy over there is a CEO, so obviously he’s worth more than me. That other guy is on the school board, so he also has me beat. My car is faster than the guy down the street, but his house is bigger than mine. My girlfriend is prettier. His kid made all-conference. Guys love to compete, don’t we?

When we walk into a dinner party or business meeting, men instantly compare ourselves to the rest of the group. We rank ourselves by our cars, houses, incomes and job titles. We also do a bit of judging in the locker room showers, but we won’t go there.

A lot of guys think they’re pretty darn special and need a dose of humility. Other guys are getting beat up by the world, feeling like crud, and could use a shot of self-esteem. So how do we put a price tag on ourselves?

Scientists tell us we are 98% water and the rest of the elements in our physical bodies are worth less than a buck. Genesis tells us “for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) For many guys, their paycheck each week tells them exactly what they’re worth.

But the best way to determine the value of something is by identifying something for which it can be exchanged. A cup of coffee at Starbucks is about what you’d pay for a new baseball. A sunroom addition is about what you’d pay for a Lexus. A gallon of gas these days is worth about the same as a gallon of milk.

Gentlemen, hold on to your hat because you may not have thought about this before. But here’s the greatest truth you’ll ever hear: You are worth Jesus.

He traded His life for yours. Theologians sometimes even call Jesus’ substitutionary death “the great exchange.” As a matter of fact, if you were the only person who ever lived, He would have died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins.

While that sinks in, take a moment to gain control over your pride and egocentric ways with this pledge: “I will stop boasting. I will stop beating up on myself. I will stop comparing myself to others. After all, Jesus gave his life for me.”

Now that is a truth worth boasting about and the Bible says go for it. Paul wrote “May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” (Galatians 6:14)

Gentlemen, please do everything you can to make it a good Good Friday.

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The Smartest Man in the World

Mon, 2 Apr 2012 18:48:54 -0500

It was the annual Payleitner pilgrimage to the shrine at Clark and Addison. Growing up, my dad made sure we made it to at least one doubleheader every summer. I was nine years old.
One of the great traditions for my brother and I was filing out our own scorecards with two fresh sharp Cubs pencils purchased from one of the vendors just inside the Wrigley Field turnstiles. In the 1960s, the scorecards were a quarter and the pencils were a dime. We never asked our dad for foam fingers, Cubs pennants or Billy Williams jerseys. We knew that scorecard and pencil were our souvenirs. And that was enough.
About the second inning, tragedy struck. My pencil lead broke. Of course, I could sharpen it at home, but how was I going to complete my traditional duties tracking Kessinger, Beckert, Williams, Banks, Santo, Hundley and company? I couldn’t ask for another pencil, could I?
I showed the unusable writing utensil to my dad and he didn’t miss a beat. He took it and within 20 seconds handed it back sharpened and ready for the next batter. You may be able guess what he did. To an adult, it may seem obvious. But to this nine-year-old, scraping that pencil at just the right angle with just the right pressure against the concrete floor of the grandstand was nothing short of brilliant. My dad was a genius!
Dad, take advantage of those years when you know more about life than your kids. Solve the occasional minor crisis. Display wisdom. Be a humble hero. Store up your genius points so you can cash them in later when the challenges of life get a little more complicated for your kids.

Dad, what about you?
Use your gift of genius before they realize that it’s really just experience. Be your child’s teacher. Also, of course, this summer take your kid to a ballgame and teach him or her to fill out a scorecard.

This blog post submitted in honor of my dad, Ken Payleitner, who passed away last season. Do you think this year is the year?
For sure, the veteran talent ain’t there. But just maybe the heart is.
And I believe that’s what wins pennants.
What’s your prediction?

Excerpted from Chapter 6 of the book One-Minute Devotions for Dads,
release date May 1, 2012. Pre-order now on Amazon.

Don’t Laugh Too Hard

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:47:46 -0500

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
Albert Einstein

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Phyllis Diller

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
Lyndon B. Johnson

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.”
Max Kauffman

“I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

“The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.” Honore De Balzac

“God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman.” Adela Rogers St. John

"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
S. T. Coleridge

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.”
Marie Corelli

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
Henny Youngman

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
Sacha Guitry

“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.”
Prince Philip

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Henny Youngman

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
Helen Rowland

“As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.”
Socrates

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”
François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”
Lewis Grizzard

No one knows her like you do

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 11:33:33 -0500

Here are some things my bride likes: fireworks, parades, a company bathroom that’s welcoming, babies, cute babies, goofy-looking babies, well-produced television commercials with cute or goofy-looking babies, scones, sparkly glassware on her Thanksgiving dinner table, hanging out with her children, bling for Christmas, warm feet, lying on a beach with a book, fresh flowers, fresh snow, frozen Cokes, lightly buttered popcorn, drinking straws, craft magazines, etcetera.
It’s a good list. Actually, just writing it has been a valuable exercise. Thinking about what my bride likes literally strengthens my marriage.
A couple of things worth noting about this kind of list. It focuses on the positive. I could have included items such as “chili that’s not filled with cayenne pepper” and “kitchen countertops without a bunch of appliances.” But that would essentially be a list of things she doesn’t like (spicy chili and cluttered counters). Everything on the list gives off mostly positive vibes. Of course, we husbands should be well aware of what our wives don’t like, but that’s not the point of this chapter.
The other thing about this list is that these are not emotional needs or love languages exclusive to the husband-wife relationship. These are things Rita likes anytime, anyplace, no matter who provides them. If a scone, fresh flowers, or craft magazine mysteriously appeared on our kitchen table, she would enjoy that thing simply because she likes it. Sure, part of the fun of parades and fireworks is sharing them with others, but I’m pretty sure Rita would enjoy them in the company of strangers.
You probably know where I’m going with this. A wise husband will make a similar list particular to his own wife. Using it and updating it frequently.
In random order, provide one of those items to your bride once a week for the rest of your life. Be intentional about it. Find a scone bakery on the way home from work. On movie night, make sure you have some microwave popcorn in the cabinet. Book a beach vacation.
Or better, keep the list at the top of your mind and allow it to trigger spontaneous moments when you provide your wife one of her favorite things. While you’re waiting for a prescription, if you notice a craft magazine, pick it up. If one of those cute-baby commercials comes on when she’s in the kitchen, pause the DVR and play it for her when she returns. If you notice the sun glinting off a fresh snowfall, stop what you’re doing and share the moment with your bride.
The goal here is not selfish. It’s easy to think, If I give her what she likes, she’ll give me what I like. That’s not it at all. The goal is to fully integrate into your marriage the “two becoming one” idea from Matthew chapter 19. Maybe think of it this way: If I give her what she likes, it gives me joy as well.
Making sense? No? It makes total sense to me, but perhaps that is because I started this chapter out with a list specific to my bride. I’m pretty sure that if you make a similar list for yours, it will all be clear. Don’t just do it in your head. Get out a yellow pad or open a new Word doc and just start thinking about what makes your wife smile. Your mind may start to wander to the stuff that ticks her off or launches an unwelcome bout of nagging, but don’t go there. Stay positive.
I promise, just making that list will give you all kinds of fresh insights, warm fuzzies, and a new appreciation for your bride. You’ll begin to see her as only a devoted husband can. There are things you know about her that no one else does. Which means only you can intentionally and regularly provide those moments of joy. Only you can prompt that intimate smile that makes marriage different than any other relationship in the world.

Takeaway
The longer you’re married, the more you know how to push your wife’s buttons. Which ones to push and how often is really your choice.

“Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud (1856–1939)

The above is excerpted from Chapter 2 of 52 Things Wives Need from Their Husbands

Very sad day

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:22:33 -0600

The passing of an icon of my youth leaves me also mourning the loss of innocence in our culture.

When Davy met a pretty girl, his eyes twinkled and she swooned. I don’t recall them jumping in the sack.

Your thoughts?

Dad, walk it quietly out to the trash can

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:56:12 -0600

It’s come to my attention that the 2102 SI Swimsuit Edition is in your mailbox.

You don’t need to open it. Your son doesn’t need to open it. Your daughter should never compare herself to the impossible standards set by the models. Your wife needs to know that you only have eyes for her.

Don’t make a big deal about it. Just walk it out to the big garbage can. For the record, your teenage son knows it’s out. When he nonchalantly asks the location of this week’s Sports Illustrated, simply say, “You know, son, the girls are beautiful, just like God designed. But it’s not something I wanted in the house. For me. Or for you. So I tossed it out. Does that make any sense?”

If he shrugs and walks off, fine. You’ve given him something to think about.

If you have a longer conversation, that’s great.

If he gets angry or defensive, don’t yell back. Just say, “As a dad, one of my biggest jobs is to help keep you from temptation.”

If it helps, you can joke that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is not really about sports.

Good luck, dad.

You should know that you can order a subscription to Sports Illustrated without the Swimsuit Edition. But this is such a great teachable moment, that I hope you let it enter your home and then model the act of intentionally and deliberately removing it without fanfare. Our sons need to know how to deal with temptation. This week, SI is giving you your chance to show them how.

Are you with me?
Am I wrong here?
Is there a better way? Any other ideas out there?
Am I wrong even to draw attention to the pretty blonde girl at the top of this blog?

/jay

#####

Make a bib. I dare ya.

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 17:02:18 -0600

So here’s the deal. Raise sharp, caring, creative kids. And they choose sharp, caring, creative spouses. Here’s proof.
http://www.redeyechicago.com/news/local/westtown/redeye-the-sewing-maniac-offers-crafty-approach-go-community-service-20120215,0,2500025.story